Central Lutheran Church - Elk River
Central Lutheran Church - Elk River
The Art of Active Listening {Reflections}
Ever been moved to tears by a simple question? Join me, Ryan, as I recount an eye-opening retreat experience where I encountered Kent Dobson, a master of transformative questioning. Spending five days in the woods with Kent and a group of fellow seekers, I witnessed firsthand how his seemingly straightforward questions could unearth profound emotional truths. Kent's gift for seeing through the superficial and connecting on a soul level inspired me to rethink the way I engage in conversations. This episode captures my journey of adopting his techniques, focusing on genuine curiosity and the art of active listening, which has since transformed the way I interact with others.
Through this episode, discover how setting aside ego and truly hearing others can unlock deeper, more meaningful connections. Drawing on my experiences and insights from my time at Luther, I explore the power of "having an ear for confession"—listening not just to words but to what's unspoken. Whether it's acknowledging struggles or unraveling the layers of someone's story, the ability to ask the right questions can be a gateway to understanding and empathy. Tune in to learn how you can cultivate this skill and bring more authenticity to your conversations.
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What is up everybody? My name is Ryan and welcome to our Reflections podcast. Coming at you live from Central Central is the church I pastor at the church in which I pastor in Elk River, minnesota, and great to be with you guys today. Hey, listen, I was on this retreat last summer where I was out in the woods for like five days and it was awesome. We're just, you know, we tent out there and you're kind of in times of solitude most of the time and it was awesome. We tent out there and you're kind of in times of solitude most of the time and it was just great.
Speaker 1:But there was a guy his name was Kent Dobson and Kent and I become good friends, but Kent is a wizard at asking good questions. I don't know how he does it, but when we're on this retreat, I saw it many, many times there was about 10 or 12 of us or whatever, and we'd come back together after being on times of like wandering or alone and or you know whatever, and we'd come back together and we would discuss it and then he would just ask questions about our experiences and I would notice like almost every time it was, it was hilarious. He would be like, hey, he'd ask a simple question and then the person would kind of go a layer deeper and then ask a follow-up question. They'd go a layer deeper and then like three questions in, that person would start bawling or like crying. And it happened to me. I had a dream one night and I come back the next morning and we were doing some dream work together, kent and I, and like three questions in I start crying. I'm like dang dude, how did he do that? Like he'd ask two or three questions, maybe four, and he'd be like so deep into their soul they would start like he'd hit a nerve or a soft spot and they would just start crying.
Speaker 1:And I was like this is amazing and I I'm like I want, I was so enamored by it. I'm like, okay, this is like something. It caught my attention and the fact that it caught my attention was like a sign to me that I should start practicing this. By the way, here's a little tidbit If you're ever enamored by something that somebody else does and you're like it's almost like attractive or like it just sort of gets you, like it might be your own, it might be the spirit of God or like your own soul saying, hey, you've got that, you should practice that too and just see what happens, and so, anyway. So I saw Kent doing this. I'm going to start doing this and I began to, in conversations, just start asking good questions and to be honest, they're not even that good, but, like I just try to pay attention and then ask questions about what I'm hearing. Now, to do that and, by the way, my doing this, my practice of this has been incredibly profound and it's led me into all kinds of very interesting questions.
Speaker 1:But to do it, I've noticed one you have to be curious. You have to be engaged in the conversation and like, listen attentively and then be truly curious about what that person is saying. And then, two, you have to put yourself second. Right, I can't. Most of us are not good listeners. Let's be honest about it. Most people do not listen at all. We often are like thinking or calibrating like hey, what story can I tell? How can I offer my advice? What can I say next? But asking good questions requires you to not worry about any of that, but to instead be curious about what that person is saying. And to be curious, you have to actually listen. And again, I just don't think many of us listen very well or at all. There was a professor I had at Luther and he said he was talking about preachers, but he said we have to have an ear for the confession. Now, I think all of us can and should have an ear for the confession.
Speaker 1:Now, the confession can sometimes sound like hey, mike, I've been struggling with anger again this week and Mike would be like okay, let's talk about that. You know, that's an easy one to spot. Sometimes the confession, though, sounds like someone coming into your office and just being like you know, like they sit down in the chair, or maybe at home, your kid walks in and sits down and throws their bag down and you're like, hey, what's the deal? But that's a confession. They want to tell you something, or they have something that's going on, or like just a layer or two deep and they want somebody to ask them about it. So, like one day I was at Starbucks here in town in Elk River and I walk in there and I was like doing the proverbial hey, how you doing? And the barista, she's like I'm okay, and this was like on my mind, this idea of asking good questions. And so I was like, oh, she just said I'm okay. So I'm like, oh not great. That was my follow-up, Again, not a super profound follow-up question, but I was like I'm going to try to follow the rabbit here.
Speaker 1:I'm like, oh, not great. She's like, no, not really at all. I was like, oh well, can I ask what's going on? And, no joke, I'm two questions in. She goes. Well, my husband was just diagnosed with cancer. I was like holy smokes. So there we were in Starbucks and this woman just confesses this deep, I don't know, painful, I imagine, weight she's carrying around, and all because I just asked, and I wasn't even trying to on the front end, I wasn't trying to like get deep, you know, into her life. I just like, hey, how are you doing? And then I noticed her response.
Speaker 1:But it's hard to do because, again, many of us we don't want to listen to other people. We want to tell them our idea about what we just heard. And so what happens to me sometimes too is I'll tell somebody about a problem I'm going through and quickly they'll be oh yeah, I had that same problem. And they'll go off on their own sort of tangent of their own experience of my problem. Like wait, I was talking about my problem and it's because we just don't do a great job of listening. Now here's what I've learned.
Speaker 1:I really think this is true. We are all two or three, maybe four questions away from something very, very interesting in people's lives. We just don't ever ask the question. We're so busy thinking about ourselves or trying to figure out how we can put our wisdom or advice or tell our story into this moment, but we don't listen, we don't ask the questions. But if we did, I think we're two or three questions away from like going deep into someone's life and having a real, authentic, vulnerable experience together and encounter like life on life, which is incredible and uh.
Speaker 1:So here's my encouragement today wherever you are, whatever you're doing, ask good questions. It doesn't take a whole lot. You don't need to ask like ones, but just, hey, follow up, follow the rabbit, pull on the thread and see where it takes. You Ask a couple and watch what happens and listen, be curious, listen, put yourself second, be genuinely curious about what they're saying and see what happens and have an ear always for the confession. All right, friends, love you guys, peace. Hey, if you enjoy this show, I'd love to have you share it with some friends, and don't forget, you are always welcome to join us in person at Central in Elk River at 830, which is our liturgical gathering, or at 10 o'clock, our modern gathering, or you can check us out online at clcelkriverorg Peace.
