Central Lutheran Church - Elk River
Central Lutheran Church - Elk River
Fire in the Fireplace: A Christian Perspective on Sex {Reflections}
We live in a culture saturated with sexual messaging, yet meaningful conversations about sexual ethics often remain elusive. Drawing from both pastoral experience and personal journey as a parent of four, Ryan offers a refreshingly balanced framework for understanding human sexuality that moves beyond both prudish restrictions and casual disregard.
The conversation begins with Frederick Buechner's powerful metaphor comparing sex to nitroglycerin—a substance with equal potential to destroy bridges or heal hearts. This dual nature of sexuality frames a thoughtful exploration of how physical intimacy creates connections that transcend the merely physical. Rather than focusing on rigid rules or boundaries, Ryan presents a coherence-based approach where the level of physical intimacy between partners ideally matches their level of commitment.
This framework provides practical wisdom for listeners in various life stages—whether parents seeking language to discuss sexuality with children, individuals navigating romantic relationships, or anyone interested in developing a healthier relationship with their own sexuality. The episode's central insight—that sex creates soul connections beyond what can be measured—offers a profound counter-narrative to purely physical understandings of intimacy prevalent in contemporary culture. By the end, listeners gain a perspective that honors both the profound power and beautiful potential of human sexuality without reducing it to either sin or salvation.
Join our community and continue these meaningful conversations in person at Central in Elk River or online at clcelkriver.org. We'd love to hear how these perspectives resonate with your own journey and experiences.
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What is up everybody? Hey, my name is Ryan, and welcome to our Reflections podcast. And today I want to whatever day it is where you're listening to this but I did want to talk about something that's actually very much a part of our culture and kind of almost at the center of it, at the top layer of it, but one that I think I don't know would be helpful to talk about in this seven-minute podcast. But I wanted to talk about sex and because, you know, I have four youngish kids, and so for their whole lives I've been trying to figure out what is my own sort of ethic of sexual activity and this kind of thing, and how do I explain it to young kids in a way that's helpful and not a hindrance, and that's healthy and that's good, and that's also, you know, for me. I'm a Christian pastor and so my faith informs my practice and my ethics and these kinds of things, and so I wanted to certainly consult that stream of tradition in my life, and so I'm going to share just a couple of ideas that I love, that I think are really have helped me. Maybe they'll help you construct your own or, if you're a parent, help you to talk about sex with your kids, or maybe you were just too too put off by talking about sex. You just turned it off right now. But so okay, and I wanna you know I've been doing a couple of podcasts about quotes.
Speaker 1:Here's a great quote about sex that I love by a guy called Frederick Buechner, and Frederick Buechner is a great theologian author, writer. He's great, written a bunch of books. You can read him, just Google his name. But he says this about sex I love it of in this poetic way. But he says contrary to Mrs Grundy Mrs Grundy is this mythical character who is like this puritanical, you know, embodiment of conventional propriety, and kind of known for this is an old reference, but actually I had to Google it and she's sort of known for in these stories for being a bit of a, you know, a bit prudish on some of these things. And so he says, contrary to her, sex is not sin. Contrary to Hugh Hefner, it's not salvation either. Like nitroglycerin, it can be used either to blow up bridges or to heal hearts. I love that. And he goes on. He says this this is one more thing he says At its roots, the hunger for food is the hunger for survival. At its roots, the hunger for food is the hunger for survival. At its roots, the hunger to know a person sexually is the hunger to know and be known by that person humanly. Food without nourishment doesn't fill the bill for long, and neither does sex without humanness. So good, he says. At its roots, the hunger for food is the hunger for survival, and at its roots, to know a person is the hunger for survival. And at its roots to know a person, this hunger and desire to know a person sexually is the hunger to know and be known by that person humanly. And so food without nourishment doesn't fill the bill, and neither does sex without humanness. And I'm just, I'm telling you too much of our sexual engagement activity, our posture towards sex, is lacking the humanness, the soul, the inside parts of us. And so here's how I think about sex, sort of my own ethic for sex. Um, yeah, it is like nitroglycerin or like fire. Fire in the fireplace is beautiful. It can warm your house, it can light the way, um, it can do a number of things. But fire, if it comes out of the fireplace, it can burn the house down. I used to always tell my kids when they were younger that they kind of got that idea. But the scripture says this about about two humans, says the two will become one and they'll do it sort of in this engagement of sexual activity. Now, look, I'm not going to argue about what is sex and what is not sex. I think we all have this kind of general idea of like physical activity and intimacy sort of has this scale and you get closer to the top it's sort of somewhere up in there right. If down at the bottom is like holding hands, well, and maybe up one more is a hug, I don't know. Whatever you get the idea Somewhere at the top, right is what I'm talking about. But yeah, when that's out of the fire it's like in its proper place. This sexual intimacy can be an incredible connection piece and I do think it somehow engages the soul, sort of the psyche, the part of us that can't be measured, that somehow sex is beyond a physical activity. It sort of somehow engages this part of us that is like this inside part of us that longs to be known and to know. And so the Bible says that actually, that it's sort of how two people become one. It's the way we become bonded to another person. Physically, that's easy to see and explain, but also, like I don't know, our souls somehow become intertwined. It's just how it works. And the Bible is this ancient, I get it, it's antiquated old book, but man, it speaks to the human condition beautifully, poetically, profoundly, in so many ways, and I think it does here as well. I think sex is that it's a way we become bonded and to somehow become one. And so think about it this way, then, what we say with bodies like our physical bodies and this giving and receiving of sort of the most intimate form of pleasure you know, in sexual activity. I think it's also good, then, to like, have that match what we say with the rest of our lives, with each other, with the other person. So, so, like our physical level of intimacy it should match the, the commitment level we have with each other and our love for each other. And so, like a high level of physical intimacy, like, let's say, sex is the top, that doesn't match the level of commitment or of love, of a deep, profound love, other-centered love, it's a problem. So like if your sexual intimacy level is like a 10, let's say, and your commitment, let's say you just met, let's say it's like a one-night stand and you just met, that'd be like a zero or a one. Those don't match and it creates a problem because what you're saying with your sort of, with this sexual part of yourself and the souls being intertwined, it doesn't have the structure to be carried with the mutual commitment. So I tell my kids now that they're a little bit older, I'm like like hey, how physical you get with your, like your significant other, boyfriend, girlfriend, it really should match. You know how committed you are. So if you just met and you're on date number one, I don't know, maybe a high five will do it. I'm not, I'm not trying to sound prudish myself like I'm just saying if you're just gonna know each other, hey, like, let's just let's take it slow and like keep those levels kind of matching. And if the person that you're dating or that you are hanging out with wants to become a level 10 on a sexual intimacy scale, 10 being the top, tell them, listen, this is what I would say. Hey, I want that to match my level of commitment and to me, the most deep and profound at least in our culture today to be committed, the deepest, most profound level of commitment is still marriage you getting up in front of your friends and family and loved ones, and maybe a pastor, and saying, hey, I give myself to you and vice versa. You share vows, you exchange rings, you have a party, this beautiful ritual. That's the highest level of commitment we have in our culture. That's just what we have. So that's why I think that sex is just the best in that context. That's what keeps in the fireplace and keeps the house warm and and uh and lights the way and doesn't burn everything down. And so, like, the core value here is coherence, right, the coherence of our lives, that things match, that they go together rather than fragmentation. And when you have one thing outweighing the other in commitment versus sexual intimacy, it can become this lopsided thing. And just don't forget that sex is the way that two humans can become bonded in a way that we can't even explain, that it can't even be seen with our physical, it can't be measured or weighed, and there's something in there that just gets intertwined. And so this is, I think, what the problem is with so many of these casual sexual encounters is that it's just there's no infrastructure to hold that weighty. Because sex is a weighty, dangerous, beautiful thing, like a fire, like nitroglycerin. It's incredibly dangerous and poignant and profound. And so there you go. That's what I'd say. You know, sex isn't sin, but it's also not salvation. It can be this thing that can light your way, warm your house. It can burn it all down. It can blow up bridges or heal hearts. And take it seriously, and may our levels of sexual intimacy match our levels of commitment. I think that's what I have to say about that. So, all right, love you guys, peace. Hey, if you enjoy this show, I'd love to have you share it with some friends. And don't forget, you are always welcome to join us in person at Central in Elk River at 830, which is our liturgical gathering, or at 10 o'clock, our modern gathering, or you can check us out online at clcelkriverorg. Peace.
