#111 - Why You Should Have a Funeral {Reflections}

Grief doesn’t disappear when we ignore it; it grows quieter and heavier. Today we talk candidly about funerals—why they matter, who they’re actually for, and how ritual gives our bodies and communities a way to carry loss with honesty and love. Ryan shares the tender story of his dad’s passing and the family’s plans to lay him to rest in Denver, then opens up about a hard truth learned during the pandemic: when we skip communal mourning, grief lingers without form.

We explore the deep roots of funeral practices, from traces of pollen in ancient burial caves to the modern mix of readings, music, prayers, and shared meals. Along the way, we unpack the language we use—funeral, memorial, celebration of life—and why the labels matter far less than the space they create. Sadness isn’t a problem to fix; it’s a sign of love. The best services make room for both tears and laughter, for hilarious family stories and quiet moments of reflection, because that’s what a real life looks like.

If you’re planning a service, you’ll hear practical guidance on shaping a gathering that fits your family: invite participation, set gentle rhythms, let someone trusted guide the flow, and close with a grounded act like a graveside farewell or a shared meal. We also talk about how community presence, scripture or poetry, and simple rituals help move us from shock toward steadier gratitude. Funerals aren’t for the dead—they’re for the living, and they work on us in profound, often hidden ways.

If this conversation helps you or someone you love, share it with a friend who needs courage for a goodbye. Subscribe for more reflections, leave a review to support the show, and tell us: what ritual helped your grief take a breath?

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Chapters

• 0:16 Welcome And Personal Update
• 0:24 Planning Dad’s Burial In Denver
• 1:03 Why We Need Rituals
• 2:30 Ancient Roots Of Funeral Rites
• 3:27 Funeral vs Celebration Of Life
• 4:28 Letting Grief And Joy Coexist
• 6:00 What A Good Funeral Looks Like
• 7:10 Final Encouragement And Community Invite

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:16

What is up everybody? Hey Ryan here, along with Olivia. What's up, Olivia? And Olivia's in the house today. She is every day. She's our producer. Hey, uh, so I think I shared a couple of podcast episodes ago that my dad died, and we are in the process of planning his funeral. So we're gonna all fly out to Colorado. My mom, my sister, my brother, and my brother lives out there actually, but and and we're gonna bury him in the ground in Denver, in the Denver area. And when before my dad died, he knew he was, you know, he knew his time was coming to a uh was coming up and his life was coming to an end. And he told my mom, don't do a funeral for me. Just put me in the ground, just be done with me. And if you knew my dad, that's how he was. He just didn't he didn't care for all the pomp and circumstance. He didn't need a big deal made of him. He never liked the attention on himself. He was just an incredible servant and uh was just a wonderful man who didn't need all the attention. But of course we're like, dude, we're not gonna not do a funeral. And my mom was like, that's silly, Fred. We're not gonna do, we're not gonna not do one. And I'm like, no, we I would argue we need funerals. And uh I learned this during COVID. During COVID, there was a number of folks who who had a loved one die, and they wouldn't let people do funerals for a long time for all the reasons that you know people were told, because the, you know, they didn't want to have a large gathering, and there was all kinds of logistical hurdles, and so, but a number of folks, their grief sort of just kept on going and it lingered in a way that I've never seen before. Because, as I've argued before, we are people of ritual and we need rituals and ceremonials, ceremonies, and and these kind of things. And funerals are one of those things. And as Olivia and I were just chatting just a moment ago, but she said, Yeah, the the funeral's not for the one who died. Like, uh, yeah, 100%. So we told my dad, it's not the funeral's not for you, so don't worry about it. It's for us. It's for the living. It's a way for us to grieve and say goodbye and give thanks to God for your life and memory and to have some closure, some sense of closure in ourselves. And again, rituals are these things, ceremonies, these are the things that we do with our physical bodies, and there's actions and there's prayers and there's songs and there's dancing or whatever your things are that sort of um that sort of do something to us and they allow us space to grieve and to say goodbye, especially in the case of uh funerals. And this is incredible. So, I mean, funerals have been around for a long, long time. Um, there's evidence of of pollen that was discovered in these burial caves in northern Iraq that reveals that like these ne these ancient Neanderthal communities would put flowers on the graves of their dead loved ones, um, which is many of these anthropologists think that this is like a forebear of today's funeral rites. So the ancient Neanderthals were doing funeral rites. This is way before institutional churches or though or religion, these kind of things. It was like as though way back when they had this sense that we need to do something to kind of honor this one who's died, who had lived with us for a long time, to say goodbye, to put, you know, to put some, you know, some bee paw on these caves, or to put some flowers on these, uh, on these sites, or to dance in a circle, or jump over a stick or something to say goodbye, and to grieve, and to weep and mourn. And so this is why I think we all should have funerals. And listen, here's the other thing that I I've noticed in modern culture, I don't know how new this is, but as a pastor, I see it all the time. People say to me, Well, Ryan, we don't want to have a funeral. We're gonna call it a celebration of life. Or, well, it isn't a funeral, it's a memorial. And I I also I I don't, I'm like, yeah, whatever. I I just let the folks who are grieving kind of tell me what they want to say or what language they want to use, and that's fine. But I often want to ask them, like, what's the difference? And what I find in some cases when I do ask or when they sort of talk more about it, they say things like, well, we don't want a funeral because funerals are sad. We want to have a celebration because those are joyful and more uplifting. And look, I get it. I understand that, you know, folks want to remember the good and the positive things. And that and that's part, but that's that's also part of a funeral. The word funeral just means it's just sort of this ancient ritual of remembering the dead. That's kind of where it comes from. And so they can look like all things. But what I don't well, what I guess like what I get nervous about is this idea that that funerals or even memorials or celebrations of life that they can't be sad. In our modern world, we don't love to be sad. We don't like grief, but we often want to skip right over it or shoot right through it or avoid it altogether. And that's a problem because grief and sadness and sorrow is what it means to be a human and to be alive. If you don't have those emotions, you're probably not really fully alive or fully engaged in life because life has all kinds of things that make us sad or sorrowful and suffering and pain. These are all unfortunately, or or maybe not even, but like these are all part of life. And so a funeral, it's okay if it's sad. In fact, I would argue it should be sad. No, it doesn't have to just be sad, but listen, you had a loved one who just died. Uh like my dad, we we we grew up with him. My mom was married to him for for 20 plus years and had known him for another, I think, 20 before that. And like, of course she's gonna be sad. Like, I would never want to tell someone like that, oh, you shouldn't be sad, we're gonna just celebrate. No, it's okay to be sad. And in the sadness, in the grief, in the sorrow, that is also celebrating his life and telling the stories. And listen, there will also be hilarious stories. My brother Chris is just, he's super funny, just naturally. He's he's a hilarious, hilarious guy. And we've already been telling funny stories. When I was there the week when he was dying, we told funny stories. We went like in and out, from like telling funny stories and laughing uh to crying and weeping over his body as we prayed and commended him, and then to watching football with him. And it was like this weird in and out of of life and death, and and we went from crying to laughing and back and forth, and it's like that's what it is, it's what it's like. So, anyway, I guess I want to say uh funerals are not for the dead, they're for the living, and it's a way for us to grieve. We need them. We need them. It's it's good to get together with people and and to share the grief in this physical space where you all gather together and you sing songs and you pray and you uh tell stories about that person and you celebrate them for sure, but you also weep and cry and and grieve, and you have a pastor or a preacher or somebody just get up and read a scripture and then talk about that in life and death, and and then you pray and you close and you go and bury them in the ground, and that's kind of a closure ceremony. It's an incredibly profound and mystical thing that we do that impacts us profoundly. So don't skip that. It's okay to do that and and to have a little bit of pomp and circumstance. That's actually a good thing. And also know that when you do have them, it's okay if there's some sadness there. You should be sad, you should be feel free and and uh feel open to be sad and have some sorrow and uh laugh and tell funny stories as well. They all kind of belong because they're all a part of that person's life. So all right, so have a funeral and celebrate and cry and laugh and weep and and go and have lunch and do it together. All right, love you guys, peace. Hey, if you enjoy this show, I'd love to have you share it with some friends. And don't forget you are always welcome to join us in person at Central in Elk River at 8 30, which is our liturgical gathering, or at 10 o'clock, our modern gathering. Or you can check us out online at clcelkriver.org. Peace.